Tuesday, 25 October 2022

Falling Apart At The Seams

This week we witnessed a ground-breaking historical moment as the British govt provided incontrovertible proof to a tricky question which has divided researchers and political pundits for decades; 

Can a situation be contrived which will simultaneously explode into a complete clusterf@ck while at the same time implode into a total omnishambles ? 

Astonishingly the government delivered such a resounding "Yes" that absolutely nobody was left in any doubt.

Lunatic fringe - and a pretty wild haircut also

Hints that something might be awry first surfaced when a Prime Minister who secured the greatest landslide victory in modern times went on to lose the confidence of his party and the nation mid-way through his tenure.  

Said one insider in confidence;
"The man in the street is OK with a Prime Minister who  promotes himself as Julius Caesar in public while quietly cavorting around like CalĂ­gula behind the scenes.  But to casually party about in the garden like Nero while the nation is burning really takes the biscuit."  

The PM's forced resignation precipitated a 60 day long, barrel-scraping leadership contest fuelled by rabidly raging tabloids on one side and absinth-minded talk-show hosts on the other.  

Confirmation that the good ship Britannia had slipped its moorings were glumly realised as the govt's replacement PM failed to serve long enough to even put out the bins at No.10

During the 50 excrutiating days of the Truss Misadministration which followed, excited experts and casual commentators from every corner of the globe watched with baited breath as No 10 Downing Street bemused the world with the most premature ejaculation of a political career ever presented.  

Had post-Brexit Britain added 5 September to the calendar as a second April Fools Day perhaps ?


A competent, reliable, hard-working, safe and secure truss




None of the above

After years spent patiently studying fragile political flashpoints all over the globe, experts were astonished to realise that it would be in the UK itself, the stalwart bastion of democratic tedium, that political responsibility, morality and leadership would all evaporate into a vacuum before their very eyes.  Said one seasoned observer who could hardly contain his excitement;

"We have been privileged to witness an unprecedented collection of halfwits orchestrate an exquisite catastrophe entirely of their own making.  And how glorious to see it unfold here, live, today in the 21st Century no less ! We had long thought that a government going completely FUBAR would be extremely unlikely in the modern age. 

"Indeed, if it was to happen at all, then we fully expected such an event to occur in tinderbox regimes like North Korea or banana republics like the DRC - no offence to those governments, obviously. 

"For this happen in Europe already beggars belief but to see this spontaneous combustion in the Mother of All Parliaments simply transcends our capacity for rational thought. Please excuse me, I really need to go and lay down."

Monday, 8 August 2022

Now and Then

It was a full 30 years ago that my Design Director stealthily crept up behind me as I configured a spreadsheet with Lotus 1-2-3.  He smacked me hard across the back of my head, then bellowed to the entire office to take note that;
"Computers have no place in engineering".  
Moreover nobody should be wasting their time or his money by trying to show otherwise. 

My director maintained that the best way to design something was the same way that it had always been done. He did not subscribe to trendy notions that innovating new and better methods was a central tenet of engineering.  What left an impression on me greater than the bruise from his oversized signet ring was the fact that I had just transferred in from the Channel Tunnel project where computers were already being used by many engineers. 

Circa 1989: Tunnel Boring Machine inching through a subterranean cavern.
Piloted by laser and computer.

Ironically it was only two years earlier that the English and French tunnelling crews of Europe's largest megaproject had been confident that their tunnelling machines were following their correct courses. That was until a team of German surveyors using a new technology revealed significant discrepancies. The Germans' equipment aligned itself to the earth's magnetic poles rather than relying on optics - which were known to be subject to lateral refraction errors within tunnels. The alignment discrepancies were such that without correction the English and French tunnels driven from either side of the Channel would never have joined together. New transition curves were urgently issued to bring the boring machines back on line.  A new and better method had literally saved the day.

As a subsequent boss explained; "You cannot blame a blind man for having no vision."  One suspects my Design Director saw computers merely as an expensive luxury which had never been needed for design before - so why start now ?  He could not see their potential beyond this.  His personal justification was that he had never seen computer input or output which he could understand or which could be corroborated. This therefore rendered it all both unintelligible and useless. The fact that other engineers could understand and corroberate the computer data was irrelevant to him and heaven forbid he should learn how to understand computer data for himself.  In truth he wanted to see a familiar calculation which he could instantly recognise.  Most disappointingly; his seniority meant he was not obliged to make an effort to understand something new - he would simply rather dismiss it.  

This was after all the early 90s when, if you searched for 'Boring' in the Yellow Pages it read unapologetically; 'See Civil Engineers'. 
In truth almost any other profession was more glamorous. Design offices were staffed by unshowered men doused in Brut 33 who had smoked the day's first cigarette while commuting in their company Vauxhall Cavalier. They sported the untamed sideburns of The Sweeney with the intricate combovers of a public school French teacher. Office relationships provided the mainstream gossip; the Chief Engineer who just married some dreary nun from Accounts, the thrusting young junior secretly romancing someone curvy in Architecture while ostensibly dating someone leggy in Admin. Not forgetting the incorrigible CAD draughtsman who was 40, looked 30 and wooed the typing pool like he was 20.

Typical drawing office circa 1990
The people were actually more colourful than the photo suggests.

It was a time when engineers were all men working at drawing boards while the women were all secretaries working at keyboards. Most drawings were still prepared with pen and ink, explaining why half an engineer's day was spent cursing under his breath while patiently scratching off the ink with a razor blade to reposition one detail to squeeze in another. Most consultants still had their own libraries staffed by young, chatty librarians with whom you could practice your lamentable social skills over lunch. Offices were filled with files, folders and drawing scrolls making every day a competition for shelf space. The in-house canteen subsidised High Mortality Lunches, corporate-branded ashtrays adorned the desks and, although they were now hung discretely, the walls still exhibited glossy swimwear calendars from Pirelli and Ready Mixed Concrete. 

That's not to say this was a place without human kindness. Twice a year you were invited to donate blood after which, if you passed out unconscious on your drawing board, someone would thoughtfully prop you up with a few volumes of the Steel Designers Manual to prevent you sliding off the end of the board and pitching head-first off your stool towards the floor.

Modern design office - no calendars necessary

The picture is happily very different today; the design office is no longer a place you can be cuffed, bawled at or thrown out of. The sideburns, combovers and company cars have given way to close shaves, a #2 trim and a good, sturdy road bike. Staff now shower on arrival before selecting a desk next to buddies where they percolate freshly ground coffee while gently exuding wafts of peppermint body wash. 

Drawing boards and paper have been replaced entirely by clusters of monitors while meeting rooms have largely given way to personal video conferencing tech. Business travel is reducing since the development of millimetre-precise 3D digital models of project sites. These are reconstructed from millions of data points collected by drone and automated surveys. They allow engineers to peer together into the same virtual model from displays in their own offices. Alternatively they can suit up with virtual reality goggles, step into their Immersion Rooms and enter the model virtually together. Perhaps now more than ever, engineering is a place where new technologies are continuously assessed for their potential to improve the quality of the project.



Of course, it is not unusual that when a whole industry moves forward, someone inevitably gets left behind. It is however particularly frustrating when the stragglers turn out to be the most powerful parts of the whole process; namely the regulators. 

Modern projects are subject to extensive regulation, eg; environmental, planning, building and fire regulation to name just a few. Projects require close review by multiple, often disjointed, always overloaded government departments through which a project has to wind and grind its way laboriously towards approval. After the project gains overall consent, then the months stretch into years as the fine details of the project are examined more closely; the soil investigation, the foundation design, the structures, the fire sprinklers, etc, etc. The claws come out when one regulatory department refuses to accept a design feature until another dept accepts it first. Then the fur really starts to fly if one department declines to accept something which was already accepted by another.  The pitfalls are endless and project managers all wear the scars of the lessons learned.

This June finally saw Hong Kong's Building Dept (BD) "… spearhead the development…" of a platform for electronic submission of building applications; albeit for a rather narrow range of above-ground-only building works.

Alas, documentation for every other type of project still has to be submitted as multiple copies of huge packages of paper drawings, calculations and reports. A visit to the inner sanctum of a Building Officer often reveals tables, desks and filing cabinets piled high with towers of these submissions. Even more lay stacked on the floor under every desk, behind and beside every chair. One unfortunate sneeze would be sufficient to bury a Building Officer clutching his 14" square monitor under a landslide of paper sufficient to crush the life out of him. 

When Building Consent is finally given, it is invariably conditional upon drawings, calculation and rpeorts being amended by hand inside the Building Dept office. Amending a submission of ~100 documents can require engineers to toil for up to a week, standing hunched over documents for 14 hours per day, Tippexing-out details, to ink in revisions. In terms of 'Now and Then' some regulators are still living in 'Then', ie; the 13th Century, when work like this was only ever seen in monasteries.

Over the years the reach of many regulators has grown beyond their original remits, so it becomes incumbent on them to develop or hire the necessary expertise to review the new types of designs coming under their control.  Composites such as Glass Fibre Reinforced Plastic have been used structurally for decades on ships and aircraft.  It is somehow sublime for a building regulator in 2020 to advise that he does not know how to validate the structural integrity of GRP in a building and even more ridiculous to suggest that the GRP structure must therefore be supported by a steel frame which be does know how to validate. Similarly if a 6m high concrete ring beam is designed to support a huge machine, it is somewhat cheeky to insist that the ring beam must be redesigned as four separate concrete walls because this is the limit of the regulator's experience.

This is a precariously delicate age; the legacies of the 20th Century have created unprecedented competition for space and resources, not to mention an as-yet ununcertain impact on the environment. In an ideal world every project would strive to use the most efficient design, the safest methods and materials which are sourced as locally as possible in order to minimise their footprint. Regulatory bodies would not only ensure that projects meet minimum code requirements, they would be open to the latest innovations, embrace them and arguably even drive those
 which have a positive impact.  After all, motorists would not buy new cars designed to the minimum standards of a decade ago, so why should we accept new buildings whose design has not improved on a 20 year old code ?  

Regulators potentially have a huge role to play in setting new, higher and better expectations from all developers, rather than merely ensuring that new projects meet the same standards as everything which went before. This is a tone which needs to be set from the top and aimed at developers from the outset. While the minions in a regulatory body may well have the knowledge and appetite to embrace new ideas, this means nothing if they are not encouraged to raise such ideas through their seniors. Hence a culture of rewarding initiatives at the grass roots level is another tone which has to be set from the top.

Back in the real world many regulators are either still trying to play catch-up or simply not trying at all. For the time being Project Managers need to remain philosophical that the regulators have a job to do, even though they do it with no accountability for the cost or time impacts that their deliberations have on a project. Meanwhile engineers need to remain philosophical as they learn never again to design something differently to how it has always been designed before. The Building Officer can be philosophical that when a new design finally resembles previous approved designs, it may not be an improvement on anything which went before, but at least his senior will not cuff him over the back of the head for presenting something new. 

Ultimately, the regulation process makes philosophers of us all.


Tuesday, 22 March 2022

The Rumours About Austin

Dan (an interviewer): Sir, since events started to deteriorate in the Ukraine, your supporters have been highly critical of the current administration. They complain quite vocally that you would have handled things differently. Given your administration's special relationship with Mr Putin and how close your families have become - Ivanka's friendship with Mr Putin's rumoured muse Wendi Deng springs to mind - perhaps you can share some thoughts on how you would diffuse this crisis ?



US Open Box, Sep 2016:
Ivanka illustrating a manual technique to Wendi which appears to guarantee hilarious results

Trump (an interviewee): Well Dan you see the current Shitehouse administration is bad, perhaps the worst. Definitely the worst I have seen and believe me I have seen them all. Nobody has seen more administrations than me. All bad, low average at best. Except mine of course, mine was excellent; the best administration that anyone can remember, better than everyone can remember, people still congratulate me on how good my administration was. They miss it you know but mostly they miss me. As my reflerection reminds me every morning in the mirror; never was so much owed by so many to so few, or in my case, to just one.  I'm missed by so many, many people who just can't wait to see me reerected. And with this administration being so bad, so very, very bad, they won't have to wait long. Not long at all.



1974: Rarely a dull moment at the Whitehouse


1998: Though some crimes are evidently smaller than others


D: Indeed Sir, but specifically regarding the crisis in Ukraine, perhaps you can share with your supporters what they can expect when you return to office.


T (grinning): Well Dan, I'd like to tell you, really I would but I'm afraid right now the solution is all very hush-hush.


D: Hush-hush?


T: Yes Dan, I'm afraid that means 'secret'. In fact more secret than just 'secret', much much more secret; Top Secret actually. In fact it's VVTS. That means Very Very Top Secret. I made that up myself. I'm brilliant like that. I can make up anything, anytime, faster and better than anyone else can make things up. They tell me that making things up is my forty. I tell them it should be my forty five because, you know, I am Number 45. Yup, 45, that's me. Such a great number, such a great guy. But anyway, they don't listen, they keep telling me it's my forty. What do they know ? No matter, I know, that's why I'm in charge, I just ignore them. Simple.


D: Very well, Sir. So you can only reveal that the solution is Very Very Top Secret ?





T: Yup. I can't tell you anything; my lips are sealed. But I can just give you one small clue, the smallest. You'll never guess if I just tell you the name; 'Austin'.


D: Austin ?


T: Yes, Austin. But don't tell anyone. It's very hush-hush. Nobody knows about him. Remember, I told you VTTS Very Top Top Secret as I said. Completely hush-hush


Dan: 'Him' Sir ? Forgive me but when you said 'Austin' I assumed you were referring to Austin Texas but should I understand that Austin is a man ?


T: I cannot confirm that Dan, much as I'd like to, it's so very hush-hush. The most top-top of secret secrets. I can't tell you if he is a man or not.  Or if he was a man, but not any longer.  Or indeed if he wasn't a man but he now is.  He may be all or neither or both.  It's all highly classified.  


D: Not to mention confusing ...


T: But I can probably tell you the cost.


D: The cost ?


T: Just the cost, nothing more, to show you how much money we are pouring into the sucess of this very very top top secret secret solution. Get this Dan; the cost was six million dollars, for just one man. In fact not even for a complete man - just the important bits and pieces.


D (nervously) : Six million dollars ?


T: I know, I could hardly believe it myself. But believe me Dan when I say 'We have the technology'. But it is so very hush-hush. Can't tell you more. It would not be right. National Security, the future of our great nation, my re-erection campaign and many other great things hang in the balance. My lips are sealed.




D (squirming uncomfortably): Sir, since you can't confirm or deny anything ....


T: Oh I can deny anything because I'm President. There's nothing I can't deny. Go ahead, ask me anything, anything you like; I'll say I know nothing about it and everyone will believe me. I'm completely untouchable. You can't pin anything on me. 

My advisors tell me I have something called 'Applausible Deniability'. No other president ever had it, only me, I'm the first, just me. It means I get a pat on the back and a great round of applause every time I get away with something that everyone thinks I can't pull off. For example, that kerfufflumelee at The Capitol on 6 January; they tried and tried but they couldn't pin it on me Dan. We had high fives all round at Mar-A-Largo; this Applausible Deniability is so neat, the neatest in fact. The very neatest.


D: Er, 'kerfufflumelee' Sir ?


T: Well of course that's how the French pronounce it Dan, but you know what I mean; covfluffle-mu


D: 'Covfluffle-mu' ?


T: You mis-heard me Dan, I said 'Covflebble'


D: Did you mean Covfefe Sir ?


T: Now Dan, you're starting to annoy me and that's not a good thing. Let's keep it professional.  As Sean Spicer told everyone more than a year ago; the president and a small group of people know exactly what I mean.


D: Yes Sir, of course Sir. 
So since you can't confirm any details of the .... how shall I put it .... 'The six-million dollar man called Austin', perhaps you can explain how he will be used to solve the crisis in the Ukraine ? The challenge seems well beyond the abilities of just one man. Is there something more to this solution ?


T: But that's the beauty of it Dan; we only need one man. Austin was a complete loser, he crashed his plane for Christ's sake. Expensive plane too. Do you know how many of my hard-earned tax dollars went up in smoke with that plane ? I don't like losers who crash their planes - or get caught by the enemy - like John McCain; he was another real loser. 

Austin was barely alive, but because I made America great again; we had the capability to build the world's first bionic man. He's better than he was before; better, stronger, faster. There's nothing he can't do. Just like me. He's strong, so very strong, but probably I'm still stronger, definitely, I mean I'm the strongest. But he's very strong and very fast. But I'm faster, I'm the fastest. Always have been. There's nobody faster than me. But I can't tell you any more. Very hush-hush.


D (rolling eyeballs): Well, Sir thank you for sharing what little you could


T: No ! I couldn't, I didn't, I won't, ever, never-ever


D: You ... won't ... ever ... ?


T: No. Definitely not.  But the best bit is his eye


D: His eye ?


T: Yup; made by my good friend, a true American patriot; Mr Tim Apple


D: Erm ... Perhaps, Sir, you're thinking of Mr Tim Cook ?


T: No I mean 'Apple'; Mr Tim Apple, his company is called 'Apple'.
Everybody knows that Dan, try to keep up; Tim made Austin's new eye.  But I named it; I called it the 'i-eye'. Tim loved it. He said he would use that.


D: The 'i-eye' ?


T: Yup. It's also bionic; The 'i-eye'.  Loved that one he did. I told you I was good at making things up. I'm the best.  Tim agrees with all my ideas, likes everything I say. Not like those commie liberal elites.


D: 'Commie liberal elites', Sir ?


T: Sure, those elite commies who are too busy with 'important stuff' to return my calls. Mark Suckerberg is one, then there's Jeff Bozos of course and not to mention that slimy toad Felon Musk. They all think they're better than me and richer of course, but they're losers. All losers. The greatest losers the world has ever seen. They've never been president and never will be. I'm better and richer than all of 'em.


D: Well Sir, recent stock evaluations suggest Mr Musk to be the world's wealthiest man by quite a clear margin


T: Fake news Dan, fake news. I'm way richer than him, richer than all of 'em put together even; ten times richer in fact. Maybe even a hundred times richer. Who knows. It's impossible to know for sure. You know ?


D: Erm, no ?


T: Don't worry Dan, 'cos I know.


D (exasperated) : So Sir, is the deployment of Mr Austin to the Ukraine a signal to the world that the US is finally willing to show active support in the conflict ?


T: No Dan, US action must remain an even more secret secret than the Austin secret, which I certainly never mentioned, ever, at all. Nobody can know that the US is involved, which is why Austin will wear a disguise; another one of my brilliant ideas Dan. I said I was good at this, didn't I Dan ?


D: Well Sir, I'm sure it goes without saying. A disguise you say ?


T: Yup; just like James Bond in that lousy movie 'You Only Get Laid Twice' - I mean, only twice, huh ?  Twice is for losers.  Anyway, first we give Austin a makeover; little slitty eyes and chinky hair, then we drop him in to the Ukraine, he does the business, we pull him out, then claim it was the Chinese who did it all along. The Man From Uncle Sam was never there. Never there at all. Applausible Deniability Dan - that's my trademark.



1967: Sean Connery's 007 resurrected in You Only Live Twice 


D: But Sir, what we might call 'oriental' eyes and hair cut are common all over Asia; can we be sure this will undoubtedly look like a Chinese operation ?


T: You maybe right Dan. My advisors may have to work overtime on this. Our man Austin will have to carelessly leave behind something which is clearly Chinese. I know, I have it; a samurai sword.


D: That would be Japanese Sir


T: Are you sure ? OK then; some bottles of soju


D: Korean Sir


T: A kimono !


D: Japanese again Sir


T: Vietkong dog tags ?


D: Vietnamese I'm sure


T: Sun Tzu; The Art of War - nowhere near as popular as my book 'The Art of The Deal' by the way !


D: Very well read by strategists worldwide Sir


T: Really Dan ? OK, how about a well-thumbed copy of Chairman Mao's Little Black Book ?


D: Very good Sir, but that would be his Little Red Book I think Sir


T: That's it Dan you're fired, you're so fired, so very, very fired, just get out of here right now.  Security, get him out of here, take him so far away that he never comes back.  I never want to hear your name or see your face again Dan !


D: gulps


T (raging) : Little Red Book Dan ? Honestly Dan ! Everybody has little black books; Epstein, Maxwell, me, everybody, EVERYBODY  !  You really think Mao would be any different and have a little red book instead ?  It's not like he's some god-damned communist for Christ's sake !


D: taken away screaming into distance


T: It's simple, so simple; Austin destroys all the Ukrainian wind machines and saves all the birds.  So simple.  I'm a genius. Pure genius.





Out And About In The Azores

Some time around the early 1400s it slowly dawned on the budding powers of Europe that pretty soon the Mediterranean Sea would be too small ...