US Open Box, Sep 2016:
Ivanka illustrating a manual technique to Wendi which appears to guarantee hilarious results
Trump (an interviewee): Well Dan you see the current Shitehouse administration is bad, perhaps the worst. Definitely the worst I have seen and believe me I have seen them all. Nobody has seen more administrations than me. All bad, low average at best. Except mine of course, mine was excellent; the best administration that anyone can remember, better than everyone can remember, people still congratulate me on how good my administration was. They miss it you know but mostly they miss me. As my reflerection reminds me every morning in the mirror; never was so much owed by so many to so few, or in my case, to just one. I'm missed by so many, many people who just can't wait to see me reerected. And with this administration being so bad, so very, very bad, they won't have to wait long. Not long at all.
1974: Rarely a dull moment at the Whitehouse
1998: Though some crimes are evidently smaller than others
D: Indeed Sir, but specifically regarding the crisis in Ukraine, perhaps you can share with your supporters what they can expect when you return to office.
T (grinning): Well Dan, I'd like to tell you, really I would but I'm afraid right now the solution is all very hush-hush.
D: Hush-hush?
T: Yes Dan, I'm afraid that means 'secret'. In fact more secret than just 'secret', much much more secret; Top Secret actually. In fact it's VVTS. That means Very Very Top Secret. I made that up myself. I'm brilliant like that. I can make up anything, anytime, faster and better than anyone else can make things up. They tell me that making things up is my forty. I tell them it should be my forty five because, you know, I am Number 45. Yup, 45, that's me. Such a great number, such a great guy. But anyway, they don't listen, they keep telling me it's my forty. What do they know ? No matter, I know, that's why I'm in charge, I just ignore them. Simple.
D: Very well, Sir. So you can only reveal that the solution is Very Very Top Secret ?
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T: Yup. I can't tell you anything; my lips are sealed. But I can just give you one small clue, the smallest. You'll never guess if I just tell you the name; 'Austin'.
D: Austin ?
T: Yes, Austin. But don't tell anyone. It's very hush-hush. Nobody knows about him. Remember, I told you VTTS Very Top Top Secret as I said. Completely hush-hush
Dan: 'Him' Sir ? Forgive me but when you said 'Austin' I assumed you were referring to Austin Texas but should I understand that Austin is a man ?
T: I cannot confirm that Dan, much as I'd like to, it's so very hush-hush. The most top-top of secret secrets. I can't tell you if he is a man or not. Or if he was a man, but not any longer. Or indeed if he wasn't a man but he now is. He may be all or neither or both. It's all highly classified.
D: Not to mention confusing ...
T: But I can probably tell you the cost.
D: The cost ?
T: Just the cost, nothing more, to show you how much money we are pouring into the sucess of this very very top top secret secret solution. Get this Dan; the cost was six million dollars, for just one man. In fact not even for a complete man - just the important bits and pieces.
D (nervously) : Six million dollars ?
T: I know, I could hardly believe it myself. But believe me Dan when I say 'We have the technology'. But it is so very hush-hush. Can't tell you more. It would not be right. National Security, the future of our great nation, my re-erection campaign and many other great things hang in the balance. My lips are sealed.
D (squirming uncomfortably): Sir, since you can't confirm or deny anything ....
T: Oh I can deny anything because I'm President. There's nothing I can't deny. Go ahead, ask me anything, anything you like; I'll say I know nothing about it and everyone will believe me. I'm completely untouchable. You can't pin anything on me.
D: The cost ?
T: Just the cost, nothing more, to show you how much money we are pouring into the sucess of this very very top top secret secret solution. Get this Dan; the cost was six million dollars, for just one man. In fact not even for a complete man - just the important bits and pieces.
D (nervously) : Six million dollars ?
T: I know, I could hardly believe it myself. But believe me Dan when I say 'We have the technology'. But it is so very hush-hush. Can't tell you more. It would not be right. National Security, the future of our great nation, my re-erection campaign and many other great things hang in the balance. My lips are sealed.
D (squirming uncomfortably): Sir, since you can't confirm or deny anything ....
T: Oh I can deny anything because I'm President. There's nothing I can't deny. Go ahead, ask me anything, anything you like; I'll say I know nothing about it and everyone will believe me. I'm completely untouchable. You can't pin anything on me.
My advisors tell me I have something called 'Applausible Deniability'. No other president ever had it, only me, I'm the first, just me. It means I get a pat on the back and a great round of applause every time I get away with something that everyone thinks I can't pull off. For example, that kerfufflumelee at The Capitol on 6 January; they tried and tried but they couldn't pin it on me Dan. We had high fives all round at Mar-A-Largo; this Applausible Deniability is so neat, the neatest in fact. The very neatest.
D: Er, 'kerfufflumelee' Sir ?
T: Well of course that's how the French pronounce it Dan, but you know what I mean; covfluffle-mu
D: 'Covfluffle-mu' ?
T: You mis-heard me Dan, I said 'Covflebble'
D: Did you mean Covfefe Sir ?
T: Now Dan, you're starting to annoy me and that's not a good thing. Let's keep it professional. As Sean Spicer told everyone more than a year ago; the president and a small group of people know exactly what I mean.
D: Yes Sir, of course Sir.
D: Er, 'kerfufflumelee' Sir ?
T: Well of course that's how the French pronounce it Dan, but you know what I mean; covfluffle-mu
D: 'Covfluffle-mu' ?
T: You mis-heard me Dan, I said 'Covflebble'
D: Did you mean Covfefe Sir ?
T: Now Dan, you're starting to annoy me and that's not a good thing. Let's keep it professional. As Sean Spicer told everyone more than a year ago; the president and a small group of people know exactly what I mean.
D: Yes Sir, of course Sir.
So since you can't confirm any details of the .... how shall I put it .... 'The six-million dollar man called Austin', perhaps you can explain how he will be used to solve the crisis in the Ukraine ? The challenge seems well beyond the abilities of just one man. Is there something more to this solution ?
T: But that's the beauty of it Dan; we only need one man. Austin was a complete loser, he crashed his plane for Christ's sake. Expensive plane too. Do you know how many of my hard-earned tax dollars went up in smoke with that plane ? I don't like losers who crash their planes - or get caught by the enemy - like John McCain; he was another real loser.
T: But that's the beauty of it Dan; we only need one man. Austin was a complete loser, he crashed his plane for Christ's sake. Expensive plane too. Do you know how many of my hard-earned tax dollars went up in smoke with that plane ? I don't like losers who crash their planes - or get caught by the enemy - like John McCain; he was another real loser.
Austin was barely alive, but because I made America great again; we had the capability to build the world's first bionic man. He's better than he was before; better, stronger, faster. There's nothing he can't do. Just like me. He's strong, so very strong, but probably I'm still stronger, definitely, I mean I'm the strongest. But he's very strong and very fast. But I'm faster, I'm the fastest. Always have been. There's nobody faster than me. But I can't tell you any more. Very hush-hush.
D (rolling eyeballs): Well, Sir thank you for sharing what little you could
T: No ! I couldn't, I didn't, I won't, ever, never-ever
D: You ... won't ... ever ... ?
T: No. Definitely not. But the best bit is his eye
D: His eye ?
T: Yup; made by my good friend, a true American patriot; Mr Tim Apple
D: Erm ... Perhaps, Sir, you're thinking of Mr Tim Cook ?
T: No I mean 'Apple'; Mr Tim Apple, his company is called 'Apple'.
Everybody knows that Dan, try to keep up; Tim made Austin's new eye. But I named it; I called it the 'i-eye'. Tim loved it. He said he would use that.
D: The 'i-eye' ?
T: Yup. It's also bionic; The 'i-eye'. Loved that one he did. I told you I was good at making things up. I'm the best. Tim agrees with all my ideas, likes everything I say. Not like those commie liberal elites.
D: 'Commie liberal elites', Sir ?
T: Sure, those elite commies who are too busy with 'important stuff' to return my calls. Mark Suckerberg is one, then there's Jeff Bozos of course and not to mention that slimy toad Felon Musk. They all think they're better than me and richer of course, but they're losers. All losers. The greatest losers the world has ever seen. They've never been president and never will be. I'm better and richer than all of 'em.
D: Well Sir, recent stock evaluations suggest Mr Musk to be the world's wealthiest man by quite a clear margin
T: Fake news Dan, fake news. I'm way richer than him, richer than all of 'em put together even; ten times richer in fact. Maybe even a hundred times richer. Who knows. It's impossible to know for sure. You know ?
D: Erm, no ?
T: Don't worry Dan, 'cos I know.
D (exasperated) : So Sir, is the deployment of Mr Austin to the Ukraine a signal to the world that the US is finally willing to show active support in the conflict ?
T: No Dan, US action must remain an even more secret secret than the Austin secret, which I certainly never mentioned, ever, at all. Nobody can know that the US is involved, which is why Austin will wear a disguise; another one of my brilliant ideas Dan. I said I was good at this, didn't I Dan ?
D: Well Sir, I'm sure it goes without saying. A disguise you say ?
T: Yup; just like James Bond in that lousy movie 'You Only Get Laid Twice' - I mean, only twice, huh ? Twice is for losers. Anyway, first we give Austin a makeover; little slitty eyes and chinky hair, then we drop him in to the Ukraine, he does the business, we pull him out, then claim it was the Chinese who did it all along. The Man From Uncle Sam was never there. Never there at all. Applausible Deniability Dan - that's my trademark.
D: But Sir, what we might call 'oriental' eyes and hair cut are common all over Asia; can we be sure this will undoubtedly look like a Chinese operation ?
T: You maybe right Dan. My advisors may have to work overtime on this. Our man Austin will have to carelessly leave behind something which is clearly Chinese. I know, I have it; a samurai sword.
D: That would be Japanese Sir
T: Are you sure ? OK then; some bottles of soju
D: Korean Sir
T: A kimono !
D: Japanese again Sir
T: Vietkong dog tags ?
D: Vietnamese I'm sure
T: Sun Tzu; The Art of War - nowhere near as popular as my book 'The Art of The Deal' by the way !
D: Very well read by strategists worldwide Sir
T: Really Dan ? OK, how about a well-thumbed copy of Chairman Mao's Little Black Book ?
D: Very good Sir, but that would be his Little Red Book I think Sir
T: That's it Dan you're fired, you're so fired, so very, very fired, just get out of here right now. Security, get him out of here, take him so far away that he never comes back. I never want to hear your name or see your face again Dan !
D: gulps
T (raging) : Little Red Book Dan ? Honestly Dan ! Everybody has little black books; Epstein, Maxwell, me, everybody, EVERYBODY ! You really think Mao would be any different and have a little red book instead ? It's not like he's some god-damned communist for Christ's sake !
D: taken away screaming into distance
T: It's simple, so simple; Austin destroys all the Ukrainian wind machines and saves all the birds. So simple. I'm a genius. Pure genius.
D (rolling eyeballs): Well, Sir thank you for sharing what little you could
T: No ! I couldn't, I didn't, I won't, ever, never-ever
D: You ... won't ... ever ... ?
T: No. Definitely not. But the best bit is his eye
D: His eye ?
T: Yup; made by my good friend, a true American patriot; Mr Tim Apple
D: Erm ... Perhaps, Sir, you're thinking of Mr Tim Cook ?
T: No I mean 'Apple'; Mr Tim Apple, his company is called 'Apple'.
Everybody knows that Dan, try to keep up; Tim made Austin's new eye. But I named it; I called it the 'i-eye'. Tim loved it. He said he would use that.
D: The 'i-eye' ?
T: Yup. It's also bionic; The 'i-eye'. Loved that one he did. I told you I was good at making things up. I'm the best. Tim agrees with all my ideas, likes everything I say. Not like those commie liberal elites.
D: 'Commie liberal elites', Sir ?
T: Sure, those elite commies who are too busy with 'important stuff' to return my calls. Mark Suckerberg is one, then there's Jeff Bozos of course and not to mention that slimy toad Felon Musk. They all think they're better than me and richer of course, but they're losers. All losers. The greatest losers the world has ever seen. They've never been president and never will be. I'm better and richer than all of 'em.
D: Well Sir, recent stock evaluations suggest Mr Musk to be the world's wealthiest man by quite a clear margin
T: Fake news Dan, fake news. I'm way richer than him, richer than all of 'em put together even; ten times richer in fact. Maybe even a hundred times richer. Who knows. It's impossible to know for sure. You know ?
D: Erm, no ?
T: Don't worry Dan, 'cos I know.
D (exasperated) : So Sir, is the deployment of Mr Austin to the Ukraine a signal to the world that the US is finally willing to show active support in the conflict ?
T: No Dan, US action must remain an even more secret secret than the Austin secret, which I certainly never mentioned, ever, at all. Nobody can know that the US is involved, which is why Austin will wear a disguise; another one of my brilliant ideas Dan. I said I was good at this, didn't I Dan ?
D: Well Sir, I'm sure it goes without saying. A disguise you say ?
T: Yup; just like James Bond in that lousy movie 'You Only Get Laid Twice' - I mean, only twice, huh ? Twice is for losers. Anyway, first we give Austin a makeover; little slitty eyes and chinky hair, then we drop him in to the Ukraine, he does the business, we pull him out, then claim it was the Chinese who did it all along. The Man From Uncle Sam was never there. Never there at all. Applausible Deniability Dan - that's my trademark.
1967: Sean Connery's 007 resurrected in You Only Live Twice
D: But Sir, what we might call 'oriental' eyes and hair cut are common all over Asia; can we be sure this will undoubtedly look like a Chinese operation ?
T: You maybe right Dan. My advisors may have to work overtime on this. Our man Austin will have to carelessly leave behind something which is clearly Chinese. I know, I have it; a samurai sword.
D: That would be Japanese Sir
T: Are you sure ? OK then; some bottles of soju
D: Korean Sir
T: A kimono !
D: Japanese again Sir
T: Vietkong dog tags ?
D: Vietnamese I'm sure
T: Sun Tzu; The Art of War - nowhere near as popular as my book 'The Art of The Deal' by the way !
D: Very well read by strategists worldwide Sir
T: Really Dan ? OK, how about a well-thumbed copy of Chairman Mao's Little Black Book ?
D: Very good Sir, but that would be his Little Red Book I think Sir
T: That's it Dan you're fired, you're so fired, so very, very fired, just get out of here right now. Security, get him out of here, take him so far away that he never comes back. I never want to hear your name or see your face again Dan !
D: gulps
T (raging) : Little Red Book Dan ? Honestly Dan ! Everybody has little black books; Epstein, Maxwell, me, everybody, EVERYBODY ! You really think Mao would be any different and have a little red book instead ? It's not like he's some god-damned communist for Christ's sake !
D: taken away screaming into distance
T: It's simple, so simple; Austin destroys all the Ukrainian wind machines and saves all the birds. So simple. I'm a genius. Pure genius.
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