Keep Taking The Tablets

And so it came to pass that a sad and lonely playground bully who went by the name of Do'Nald of the Small Hands, was delivered unto the Land of Opportunity by his family fleeing the social leprosy which afflicted them in The Old World.  Here he chased an empty life of conjured wealth, women with long shanks and highly unsavoury personal friends.  Then one night he received a mighty revelation as a fierce storm called 'Daniels' rumbled over his ignoble, garish and bankrupt house.  Do'Nald received the enlightenment that in fact he was not the problem in the lives of all those around him, he did not need to change, rather it was everybody else. And so he declared himself a champion of the people and set himself upon a path to change the lives of everyone by refashioning them in his own image.

No contest: 

an intelligent, eloquent, high-profile celebrity owner of multiple successful businesses 

vs Donald Trump

Rolling Stone feature article

Do'Nald journeyed far and wide across the land promising to heal the sick - better than anyone had ever healed the sick before. Moreover he would end the fighting with other tribes, find fruitful labours for everyone, free them from the burden of their taxes and miraculously shower the people with gold in their old age by raising the indexes of the money exchanges higher than any had done before him. He denounced other prophets, claiming it was easy to turn water into wine; He would make Budweiser taste like beer again. And his followers praised him to the heavens; so long had they been forced to drink this tasteless, gassy beer.

Iconic Budweiser advertising: as tasteless as the beer itself - since anyone can remember

People followed in their thousands across the Land to champion The Do'Nald, taking up his rally cry to "Drain the Swamp" of the self-serving leaders who sat upon The Hill. Do'Nald denounced the leaders as not interested in the plights of the people; being content merely to promote their families and friends into positions of power while encouraging rapists and plague carriers into the Land of Opportunity. He promised to build a wall around the Land to keep out the 'tribes who lived in shitholes' and then to cleanse away all the dirt to make the Land white again. And lo the people adored The Do'Nald, raising him up to sit upon The Hill, to wield the Staff of Chiefs and to command all those before him. 

But as soon as Do'Nald was sat upon The Hill, he too forgot the followers who placed him there. He immediately set about building his own dynasty. He dismissed his loyal scribes and advisors, seating all of his vacuous family at his right side and left side, making all others answer unto them. He then destroyed the legal codices written on The Hill before him, abolished the comforts granted by previous great leaders, proclaiming them false gifts which the people did not need. Him, Himself, He was the greatest of all leaders and moreover the only leader which the Land would ever need. He declared that more followers attended his accession than any leader before him and he exercised the right to rule his subjects by personal decree. 

Humbled pen-pal Kim Jong-Un;

conceded the modest size of his Arirang turnout was pitiful compared with 

The Do'Nald's huge accession ceremony on The Hill 

The Do'Nald's forgotten followers became full of sorrow, making themselves drunk on their lame beer, engorged on clay-oven ready meals while secretly stockpiling rocks and catapults in their tents for the Time of Retribution. The days grew darker and the nights grew longer across Land of Missed-Opportunities as The Do'Nald's buzzards squawked under the weight of Executive Papyri flown to the furthest corners of the Land after midnight. Friends and families were turned to enemies, goading each other unto conflict and a great divide descended between the light and the dark. 

Do'Nald's forgotten followers now whispered to each other dark truths about him. The tablets in the market places revealed how he cheated on his wives, his taxes and how he even bought the support of hostile tribes to support his ascendency to The Hill. The Do'Nald claimed these were all fake inscriptions by jealous blasphemers. He quickly promoted conflicts between neighbouring tribes and imposed trading tariffs with others to distract from the accusations against him. However finally his chief scribe and closest confident from the House of Cohen stood up to proclaim that The Do'Nald was verily guilty of all the whispers against him and many more besides. Followers of The Do'Nald were thrown into frenzy and confusion, some wailed that he was a false prophet while others gnashed their teeth to hear such disloyalties.

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The people openly started to ask where was the plan to heal the sick better than anyone had done so before ? What happened to the lower taxes, the end of the fighting with other tribes or the fruitful labours which everyone was promised ? Indeed the new tariffs made the chattels from other lands more expensive than ever before; the lives of the people were becoming harder day by day; they could not wait until their old age for the promised showers of gold from the magic money exchanges. Long weeks stretched into bleak months. The more the people told The Do'Nald he was wrong, the more he told them he was right - telling them "You're Fired!" The less they believed in his lies, the more he believed in himself. He cast out his few remaining advisers, replacing them with idolaters, fixers and others who could profit from his increasing need for audience, attention and admiration. 

The highest rate of attrition of any leader ever on The Hill 

It's not me, it's them !

At this time the old stone mason living above the quarry with the False Bride of Jagger summoned the village elders to ask why they no longer came to buy his tablets. The elders replied the villagers had been happy to read about a visionary, a hope for change on The Hill, someone who would get things done. However nobody wanted to read about a lying, petulant child taken to bawling whenever he is ignored or starting conflicts whenever he is accused - the people have more than enough of this in their daily lives at home. The elders chided the old mason that his tablets first revered the leader for what he could be, then revealed him for what he was, then reviled him for what he has done. The very mention of the leader's name was now so unwelcome that the people broke the tablets hung in the market places rather than read any more drivel about him.

A 1970's Jerry Hall : famously not married to Mick Jagger from 1990 to 1999

Later that evening the old Mason's wife asked how they will ever sell their tablets to the markets again. The old mason lit his pipe, smiled, then explained;

"The people read our tablets because they have no choice. They will not read the tablets written by the religious orders; no matter how many prophets starve in the desert, part the seas or bring commandments down from the mountains. Man is simply too weak to believe in a loving omnipotence which does not protect him from the misery which fills his daily life. At the same time the people will not read the tablets of the natural philosophers; man is too strong to accept that the worldly  elements are governed by cosmic powers beyond his control. 

"This leader was chosen because he perfectly mirrors his followers; they have nothing but they owe everyone, therefore they take all they can while giving nothing in return. They take no responsibility for their failures, they simply blame everyone else.  They refuse to learn anything new, preferring to think they know everything already. They want everyone to listen to their opinions but they will only listen to what they want to hear, so now we simply give them what they want to hear; good news about a new leader.

"Who the leader is or how he is chosen is like the people themselves - totally unimportant. Whoever it is, it is only important that the people read about him, talk about him, argue about him, fight over him, champion him, put him up on The Hill or tear him down.  Only  then do the people have a little colour in their grey and dreary lives.  This is what gives them the illusion of control and gives us something profitable to do with all this otherwise useless rock."