Expat Hell is Finally Freezing Over

Years ago one of my favourite bosses mounted a quote on the wall behind his chair which read; 

"I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, 

but it was just some bastard with a flashlight 

bringing me some more work".

The last 9 months have been admittedly dark and isolating for just about everyone but here in Honkers the first glimmers of light are finally starting to glow in the gloom.   New CoVid cases are down into single digits (most days), allowing social restrictions to be gradually eased for the first time in months. 

While locals have enjoyed healthier bank balances due to their reduced spending, strung-out expats are desperate to break free of their enforced monasticism to resume the punishing regime which passes for a social life in this part of the world.

Mikey, 32, speaks for most of his most of his team, although not too coherently after 10pm, when he says;
"Strewth mate it's been HELL ! Just pure soddin' HELL."

Before leaving Adelaide for Honkers, Mikey had already proven himself a high-achiever by ranking third at his local watering hole for putting away a 1kg schnitzel with a litre of pilsner in 11 minutes and 52 seconds. 

Today he leads a team of 30 managing a $30bn investment fund from the dizzy heights of one of HK's glass monoliths.

"Most of our competitors manage hedge funds right, which sounds bloody elitist for starters; I mean, aristos have hedges, right ?", Mikey enlightened as the sun set on his fifth 'cool one'. 

"So we put our own Aussie branding on it, called it 'The Bush Fund', launched it online 2 years ago and the drongos bloody love it !  I mean it's HUGE cobber; they just keep emptying their wallets into it, day after day, month after month - can't buy enough of it.

Rude shaped hedges at Chatsworth House, Derbyshire; 

an elitist vanity project giving the local peasants ideas above their station since 1549.

The Australian Bush; no delusions of grandeur

Mikey continued; 

"'Course the stress is brutal; fish don't bite on stale bait do they ? So we link our Bush Fund to new products which we launch every 60 days to keep 'em coming, like our latest little beauties; our convex-derisative-soft-floor-swaptions.  They're selling like dope.  I just wish I had something to spend my bonus on. I'd buy Bond's new Aston but here in Honkers a third parking slot costs about as much as the car itself so first I' d have to let go of either the McLaren or the 'Ghini."

Mikey reflected sombrely as he pulled the Mumm's from the ice bucket and topped up the cocktail for 'Bowie', his long-haired, even-longer-suffering, newly-groomed Shih Tzu; 

"It's just not easy, these are tough decisions mate. People don' t realise the stress we've been under." 

When asked about HK's 6pm curfew finally being lifted on bars and restaurants Mikey visibly relaxed, the veins in his eyeballs gently receding from his iris. Still traumatised from those dark days, he struggled to find the right words;
"Hardest days of my life, fair dinkum.  You see we have a code; it's mission critical to keep the team tight from Monday to Friday - we leave no man behind.

No man left behind: intensive unwinding at Happy Hour

"At the end of each arvo we pound down 10 Happy Hour bevvies at Slim's from 6 to 9pm, then a quick pit-stop at Monty's for two double-quarter pounders with cheese and chilli fries until half 9, then 3 or 4 dirty martinis on the balcony of The Pawn before midnight. 

The Pawn - for slow nightcaps

"A jug of coffee with a 6 pack of Redbull and 2 lines of coke for brekky gets us all back behind our desks, right as rain, by 9 the next morning; no worries. 

"Of course Saturdays we normally charter a yacht to blow off some steam with all-you-can-eat from the barbie and all-you-can-drink from the eski. 

Boat parties; well-earned relaxation at the weekend

"It's an important team bonding opportunity for the office Sheilas to showcase their latest dental floss on deck while me and me mates strut our budgie smugglers. 

Nobody does it better: Casino Royale 

confirmed Daniel Craig as MI6's best ever budgie smuggler

https://www.menstylefashion.com/mens-swimwear-budgie-smuggler-wear-them-with-confidence-2012/

"Of course we always drop anchor for 15 minutes in some private little bay for the guys to go a round or two behind the dunes with the Sheilas - just to dish the tea for the week ahead. 

"Defo the 6pm curfew ruined our whole mojo; we almost caved under the endless boredom; Michelin-starred take-aways washed down with warm bubbly at home while bingeing on Netf@cks from Monday to Friday. It was murder.

"At times like these it's important to stay on point for the team, keep their flags flying and show that I share their struggle.  It was shakey at first but they really came through for me after I had the walk-in wine cellars fitted in their apartments.  The key was keeping their champers 'n' tinnies cool; it's all about the basics, see ?  Although for some the pain ran much deeper; three of us actually interviewed live-in Sous Chefs to get us through the ordeal.  Another week or two and it might have come to that.  Never thought times could get so tough. 

"The sheer exhaustion of back-to-back '24', Game of Thrones and Suits was hard enough but crikey mate; waking up in the same bed day after day after day - it was the pits.  Curfew conditions like these piled on so much extra pressure to compensate at the weekends by getting totally trollied - it was ruthless.  Each Saturday we were up at 8am sharp, military style, stormed the yacht club as soon as the bar opened at 10am, pounded the bevvies for a full 8 hours until 6pm, before slinking back home with long faces and nothing but a personal 18" gourmet pizza to comfort our sorrows. 

"All in all I'd say we did well, but it was not without casualties was it cobber ?  Look at my prime rump !  I put on 10kg during the first 2 months and another 5 the month after.  Luckily the gyms are about to reopen so I can resume working on my Minecraft score while posing on the cross-fit trainers.  It's been savage mate, let's hope it's finally over, I don't ever want to do this again."

Exercise is like a relationship; 

if you're cheating then it's not working, is it ?

Mikey's concluding remarks were pure unfiltered Australian as he stepped down from his bar-stool, slipped on a slice of pizza, pulling over a butane space heater which fell and instantly decapitated, tenderised and flambéed Bowie before his final breath had left his body. All this to confirm that a newly-groomed Shih Tzu is notoriously flammable and that life in HK is, as always, anything but normal.