Out And About In The Azores

Some time around the early 1400s it slowly dawned on the budding powers of Europe that pretty soon the Mediterranean Sea would be too small to be peacefully shared by everyone who could sail a ship. Before long Europeans would have to start boldly going where nobody had gone before - beyond the Pillars of Hercules into the seemingly limitless great ocean.

Spurred on by the noblest of motives such as what would happen if one's rivals swindled foreign natives out of their riches, or even worse, converted them to a corrupt faith, efforts quickly focussed on making sure that these things didn't happen - by getting out there to do it first, naturally. After all it was the duty of every righteous man to protect the world's innocents from his greedy and godless neighbours.

Monument to Prince Henry the Navigator and the Age of Discovery (1400-1700), Lisbon

For some time, observers had noticed exasperating differences brewing between the cousins who headed the great houses of Europe. As childlike kingdoms coalesced into teenage nations, each groped to find their own identities and in doing so, started to assert a national character. The English started perfecting the arts of bashful discretion, apology and self-deprication, inventing a whole new range of lame excuses such as;
"Absolutely not ! Whatever would the servants say ?"

Meanwhile the French tried extolling virtues such as superiority and independence, which were ultimately more aspired-than-acquired. They were increasingly given to boasts of;

"Nobody Does it Better", 

followed by loud declarations of; 

"Liberte, Egalite, Stubbornitee". 

Over the centuries this attitude would make them deeply popular again and again with whole handfuls of people in the remotest parts of Europe - and that was before they started chopping people's heads off.

The Germans invariably exulted pragmatism, eg; why make new words when we can combine the excellent words we already have ? In time, this love of the familar would give Germany the 39 letter whopper;
'Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften', meaning simply 'insurer'. 

Perhaps inevitably the instruction manual for a German fridge now weighs 3 times more than the fridge itself and is more than twice the size.

Given these worrying European trends, explorers started to wonder just how different people might be who lived beyond The Med. How civilised could people really be if they had never wept at a Greek tragedy, seen their friends crucified by the authority of Rome or sought redemption in a holy crusade ?

Sao Jorge, 4th of 9 Azorian islands; rugged slopes draped in lush vegetation

Putting such doubts aside, the first Europeans finally resolved to sail down the west coast of Africa in the early 1400s. It was the first time anyone had gone to seek out new life and new civilisations since Hanno had reportedly left Carthage in search of the final frontier about 2000 years earlier - and quite probably never returned. Spain quickly claimed the low-hanging fruit, The Canary Islands, forcing explorers to venture much further into the great unknown. Early finds included Porto Santo and Madeira, barely 700km (430mi) from the Moroccan coast. However, even in those days, these islands would have been dismissed as small potatoes - if only the potato had been known at the time.

After tirelessly trawling the vast and largely empty North Atlantic, the Azores were finally discovered in 1427, some 1400km (850mi) west of Lisbon and, unknown to anyone, only 1900km (1,200mi) east of Newfoundland. It should be noted that although credit for the islands' discovery goes to the Portuguese, the mouse population of the Azores shows marked affinities for strong alcohol, rainy mountains, hurried casual sex and bleak crime dramas in which the characters speak very little dialogue. DNA results subsequently confirmed the obvious; that the mice are in fact of Scandinavian origin having probably arrived with early Vikings.

In round numbers, much of the Atlantic Ocean is about 4km (2.5mi) deep. From this depth the sea bed beneath the Azores has lifted upwards 2km. Volcanoes have then pushed a further 2km to sea level and, in the case of Mt Pico, reached a further 2km into the sky.

Mount Pico on Pico Island.

At 2,350m (7,700ft) it is Portugal's highest mountain, even though it is not in Portugal

Scattered across 600km (375mi) of open ocean, the 9 islands emerged from the depths, one by one, over the last 8 million years. When settlement started in 1432, nobody could foresee that within one lifetime a lush but empty archipelago, whose largest island measured only 65km (40mi) and with no resources to speak of, would become the world's most important staging post for supplies and shelter for untold hundreds and thousands of vessels sailing between the Old and New Worlds.

A monument to commemorate 500 years of settlement on Monte Brasil, Angra, Terceira Island

Since the islands were settled slowly over 200 years, each has its own history and character.  What they all share are high mountainous interiors formed by chains or clusters of countless volcanic cones. The gradients of the mountain tracks which wind around these cones often exceed 45 degrees, forcing the most polite visitors to shriek expletives as they pray to their god that they don't burn through the last of their brake pads. Meanwhile huge numbers of beef cows happily grazing the highest peaks are curiously amused to watch terrified motorists nervously negotiate the bends and slopes with their lives flashing before their eyes.

The hills are alive with the sound of moo-sic.... and terrified motorists

The craters inside the cones have often collapsed holding lakes of collected rainwater and condensed cloud, which overflows as streams during heavy downpours. Perhaps uniquely Terceira Island offers the possibility to descend into a volcanic vent shaft from which the molten rock drained away, leaving an empty chimney supporting its own natural garden wall.

Algar do Carvao on Terceira Island,

A volcanic chimney left empty after molten rock drained out through the hillside

Moving down from the peaks, the slopes reduce to a mere 30 degrees which emboldens the locals to zip around the country lanes with a confidence bordering on suicidal.  Invariably they do this in scraped, dented and patched-up French bangers.  Every island appears to have become a nursing home for French cars built from the 1980s onwards; they are brought here at the end of their lives to finally live the dream which we were sold in the TV commercials - joyously zooming around uncluttered mountain passes, without traffic jams, speed limits, road signs or police, under clear blue skies as the sun sets across a shimmering silver sea.

These lesser slopes provide pasture for dairy cows which give the islands some self sufficiency in dairy produce. The mid-levels are arguably the most beautiful parts of the islands, being criss-crossed by empty winding roads, lined with endless kilometers of wild blue and pink hydrangea bushes; to one side the mountain tops vanish up into the clouds while on other the countryside flattens out to the sea. 

Most of the islands' towns and villages are dotted around the coasts and linked by coastal ring roads.  Here the land almost flattens, before a sheer drop of 60m over dramatic cliffs into the sea.  Crops such as corn, grain and figs are still grown on the coastal lowlands for domestic use while sugar and grapes have been grown for export and winemaking.  At only 250,000 years old, Pico Island was so new as to have very little fertile topsoil when it was settled.  Each vineyard had to import barrels of topsoil ferried over in ships from neighboring Faial Island to fill channels split open by hammer and chisel through the bassalt in which to plant the first vines.  Conclusive proof that winemaking really is not only a labour of love but also hard labour.

The coast road around Terceira Island.

Crops are farmed on land which almost flattens out before a steep drop to the sea. 

Every so often around the coast there are locations where the bassalt rock outcrops form natural reefs which restrain the waves and currents of the open sea, providing safe lagoons for swimming and diving.  Any time the sun appears, these natural pools together with the adjacent cafes, bars and restaurants become a buzzing social nexus for anyone who can find an excuse for not doing something else.  

Terceira Island; the natural pools at Biscoitos

Such places offer the opportunity to kick back with a coffee to exchange small-talk with whoever happens to sit next to you.  A local ex-whale hunter will reminisce about the gradual decline of his livelihood which prompted him to go to the US to work construction.  Retired plastic surgeons will tell you about their prizewinning chihuahuas in California.  A crab-fishing heiresses will tell you about the business empire her husband built in Alaska.  They are living proof that no matter how far and wide an Azorean may travel, they always seem to return home eventually.  Quite aside from the rugged, natural beauty that the islands still offer, people who make the Azores their home do so because of what the islands do not offer; traffic, congestion, pollution, plastic waste, advertising billboards, crowds, noise, queues, shopping malls, franchised restaurants, chain stores, mass tourism, indifferent service and a gradual erosion of their cultural identity.

When set against the background of everything which followed, the discovery of the Azores in many ways marked the end of the innocence of noble exploration and the start of something much darker.  By good fortune these islands were uninhabited when discovered, so the price of their settlement was paid for by the perseverance of the first settlers.  By comparison, the cost of Europe's 'discoveries' of the New World and the African coast were largely paid for by the indigenous populations as they were offered Christianity, civilisation and 'protection' in exchange for their land, gold and free labour - negotiated at the fiery end of a musket, of course.  And the rest, as they say, is history.

"Grab yourself a fig-leaf and go!"

For anyone cherishing notions of the Earth being created in 7 days, the Azores are in fact new enough to pass as one of the final touches of any Intelligent Designer. Indeed these islands offer the perfect location to comfortably host the Old Testament's Garden of Eden. With its quiet, isolated location, warm, sub-tropical climate fed from the Gulf of Mexico and most importantly, its sheer abundance of fig trees, the Azores offer an earthly paradise where a Creator's First Couple could potentially be left alone to enjoy a full and virtuous life without sin. Adam and Eve could have lived here totally safe from temptation, especially since the first apples to appear on earth would eventually do so way over in Kazakstan.

Yabu Dhabi Doo !

While we try to make all business meetings productive, some turn out to be a waste of time and just occasionally they become an exercise in complete self-sabotage. I still flinch when recalling the latter during my first visit to Abu Dhabi in 2014.

The venue itself could not have been more promising; Abu Dhabi's world renowned 7-star Emirates Palace Mandarin Oriental hotel with its cool, cavernous lobby, a classical pianist gently practicing his foreplay on the ivories and herbal teas to welcome all those who crossed the threshold. We had been summoned by the most respected of Saudi clients to solve a contractual wrangle which had escalated via increasingly irritated emails.

The Emirates Palace Mandarin Oriental Abu Dhabi; 

quite possibly the only place to buy Snickers bars from a solid gold vending machine.

On the other hand, The Palace's $1 Million Deal will help you to spend US$1m in 7 days with a private jet, chauffeur-driven car and personal butler.
(NB: it is not clear which of these you get to keep afterwards, if any)

The pre-meeting etiquette required a round of personal introductions during which I met the most impeccably tailored, groomed and manicured gentleman in two decades of globetrotting. If it were possible, his Oxford accent was even more precisely clipped than his beard. 

On learning my background the gentleman advised how unimpressed he was with the UK's government of the day. I conceded that most of my countrymen probably shared his disappointment. Without skipping a beat he revealed that while he had no qualms indulging his wives' request for a £37million Knightsbridge property from which to complete two weeks of shopping each Christmas, he thought the taxes levied on his purchase were quite scandalous.  When I lamented that if only I had such problems, I might be able to offer some advice, he took a moment to consider if this was my veiled contempt or just my unfiltered honesty.  Either way his subtext was clear; in the brinksmanship which was about to unfold, we were the bottom of the food chain. In these waters he was a shark, we barely ranked as shrimp and we were totally out of our depth.

During the three days of negotiation which followed we had no time to walk the gleaming beaches of the Corniche, to cool off in the inviting, turquoise pools of the hotel or to explore the majestic white mosque whose white domes gleamed on the horizon. 

The Corniche;

8km of pristine, artificial, lifeguarded beach, segregated for families, singles and the general public

We flew home satisfied with a difficult job well done, totally unaware that everything we had negotiated was being vetoed by our own executive management, so that by the time we landed we had effectively wasted 3 days of the client's patience and lost all credibility for the rest of the entire project. There would be no recovering from this mistake.


Almost ten years later and in the middle of Ramadan, Abu Dhabi's gentle March heat is still balmy enough to walk the beaches by day while the nights are warm enough to eat alfresco under the horns of a downturned crescent moon. The archaeological evidence suggests this is pretty much what waves of previous travelers have been doing here on their way out of Africa for the last 400,000 years. Back then much of the Arabian Peninsular would have offered lakes, lush savanna and wild game to nourish hunting migrants before the vegetation eventually succumbed to the eastward expansion of the Sahara.

The National News

UNESCO Prehistoric Sites

Today the emirate of Abu Dhabi is something of an elder brother to the six other Emirates, holding the presidency and about three quarters of the territory of the United Arab Emirates. That said, the southern 20% of its lands have been lost to The Empty Quarter which hosts little more than the world's largest continuous sand dune.

'Abu Dhabi' means 'Father of The Gazelle'; a reference to the sparse wildlife which survives here and the long history of nomadic herding which kept people busy before the more lucrative trading of high value items such as frankincense, myrrh and pearls between the Orient and the Mediterranean. A patient search for oil started on land as early as the mid 1930s but it was not until 1958 that the first field was discovered offshore at a depth of some 2.5km. Within a mere 60 years this allowed a modest farming and trading population of about the size of Wales (3m people) to industrialise virtually overnight. Unlike Wales this process allowed the nation to accrue assets worth a somewhat immodest 1 trillion US$. That's twice the GDP of Norway, one third the GDP of the UK or half the annual US defence budget.

Little surprise then that the drab, close-packed, low-rise concrete boxes of Abu Dhabi's 1970s down-town have been rapidly overtaken by by sprawling, iconic, skyscrapers and executive marinas as each new development pushes the coastline incrementally further out into the sea.

The towers are connected by vast new malls hosting rich and poor alike as they seek refuge from the searing desert heat, which occasionally tops 52'C during summer.

Gulf Today

The wealth of Abu Dhabi is obvious from its twelve-lane highways, the private residences styled like European castles, not to mention the Bentley coupes and Lamborghinis used to casually pop out to the local supermarket. While many countries cannot afford to desalinate water even for drinking, Abu Dhabi can afford to irrigate it's leafy suburbs with unlimited supplies of the stuff. 

How to put this enormous wealth to good use, to leave a grander legacy than one-stop malls and prestige office space has clearly exercised the finest minds. Like latter-day Médicis, Abu Dhabi has embraced education and the arts.

The Art Newspaper

Outstanding amongst several initiatives is the Louvre Abu Dhabi, floating in its own reflection pool beneath the shade of a vast latticed saucer where visitors can walk in a shade similar to that of a real oasis.

The over-arching theme of the exhibit is the similarity found between dispirate cultures all over the world. For example; death masks of beaten gold from Peru, Sudan and the Philippines; an idea common to people separated by time and distance.

One has to admire the efforts to include cultural works from every corner of the globe even if the golden thread running through the exhibits is occasionally stretched to breaking point with comments such as 'Religion became a factor which unites communities'. Perhaps it's the sentiment which counts more than the reality in this case.

Laying about 15km out of town, the Sheik Zayed Grand Mosque hosts the gleaming white domes which can be seen rising above the horizon from most vantage points around Abu Dhabi.  

Designed with a capacity for over 40,000 worshipers, the mosque covers a vast 30 acres and came with a price tag of over US$2bn in 2007.  Unlike traditional mosques where decoration is limited to patterns, every part of this  mosque is decorated with prolific plant and flower designs covering floors, walls and ceilings.  

The skill of the artwork is only understood when realising that the designs are not merely painted or etched into the stonework but actually inlaid into the marble.   

The carpet in the main prayer hall weighs in at 35t and is thought to be the world's largest.  

Coming as it does from Iran, one presumes it simply flew in ?

Falling Apart At The Seams

This week we witnessed a ground-breaking historical moment as the British govt provided incontrovertible proof to a tricky question which has divided researchers and political pundits for decades; 

Can a situation be contrived which will simultaneously explode into a complete clusterf@ck while at the same time implode into a total omnishambles ? 

Astonishingly the government delivered such a resounding "Yes" that absolutely nobody was left in any doubt.

Lunatic fringe - and a pretty wild haircut also

Hints that something might be awry first surfaced when a Prime Minister who secured the greatest landslide victory in modern times went on to lose the confidence of his party and the nation mid-way through his tenure.  

Said one insider in confidence;

"The man in the street is OK with a Prime Minister who  promotes himself as Julius Caesar in public while quietly cavorting around like Calígula behind the scenes.  But to casually party about in the garden like Nero while the nation is burning really takes the biscuit."  

The PM's forced resignation precipitated a 60 day long, barrel-scraping leadership contest fuelled by rabidly raging tabloids on one side and absinth-minded talk-show hosts on the other.  

Confirmation that the good ship Britannia had slipped its moorings were glumly realised as the govt's replacement PM failed to serve long enough to even put out the bins at No.10

During the 50 excrutiating days of the Truss Misadministration which followed, excited experts and casual commentators from every corner of the globe watched with baited breath as No 10 Downing Street bemused the world with the most premature ejaculation of a political career ever presented.  

Had post-Brexit Britain added 5 September to the calendar as a second April Fools Day perhaps ?

A competent, reliable, hard-working, safe and secure truss

None of the above

After years spent patiently studying fragile political flashpoints all over the globe, experts were astonished to realise that it would be in the UK itself, the stalwart bastion of democratic tedium, that political responsibility, morality and leadership would all evaporate into a vacuum before their very eyes.  Said one seasoned observer who could hardly contain his excitement;

"We have been privileged to witness an unprecedented collection of halfwits orchestrate an exquisite catastrophe entirely of their own making.  And how glorious to see it unfold here, live, today in the 21st Century no less ! We had long thought that a government going completely FUBAR would be extremely unlikely in the modern age. 

"Indeed, if it was to happen at all, then we fully expected such an event to occur in tinderbox regimes like North Korea or banana republics like the DRC - no offence to those governments, obviously. 

"For this happen in Europe already beggars belief but to see this spontaneous combustion in the Mother of All Parliaments simply transcends our capacity for rational thought. Please excuse me, I really need to go and lay down."

Now and Then

It was a full 30 years ago that my Design Director stealthily crept up behind me as I configured a spreadsheet with Lotus 1-2-3.  He smacked me hard across the back of my head, then bellowed to the entire office to take note that;

"Computers have no place in engineering".  

Moreover nobody should be wasting their time or his money by trying to show otherwise. 

The end of Lotus 1-2-3

My director maintained that the best way to design something was the same way that it had always been done. He did not subscribe to trendy notions that innovating new and better methods was a central tenet of engineering.  What left an impression on me greater than the bruise from his oversized signet ring was the fact that I had just transferred in from the Channel Tunnel project where computers were already being used by many engineers. 

Circa 1989: Tunnel Boring Machine inching through a subterranean cavern.

Piloted by laser and computer.

Ironically it was only two years earlier that the English and French tunnelling crews of Europe's largest megaproject had been confident that their tunnelling machines were following their correct courses. That was until a team of German surveyors using a new technology revealed significant discrepancies. The Germans' equipment aligned itself to the earth's magnetic poles rather than relying on optics - which were known to be subject to lateral refraction errors within tunnels. The alignment discrepancies were such that without correction the English and French tunnels driven from either side of the Channel would never have joined together. New transition curves were urgently issued to bring the boring machines back on line.  A new and better method had literally saved the day.

Gyrotheodolite

As a subsequent boss explained; "You cannot blame a blind man for having no vision."  One suspects my Design Director saw computers merely as an expensive luxury which had never been needed for design before - so why start now ?  He could not see their potential beyond this.  His personal justification was that he had never seen computer input or output which he could understand or which could be corroborated. This therefore rendered it all both unintelligible and useless. The fact that other engineers could understand and corroberate the computer data was irrelevant to him and heaven forbid he should learn how to understand computer data for himself.  In truth he wanted to see a familiar calculation which he could instantly recognise.  Most disappointingly; his seniority meant he was not obliged to make an effort to understand something new - he would simply rather dismiss it.  

This was after all the early 90s when, if you searched for 'Boring' in the Yellow Pages it read unapologetically; 'See Civil Engineers'. 

Civil Engineers no longer boring

In truth almost any other profession was more glamorous. Design offices were staffed by unshowered men doused in Brut 33 who had smoked the day's first cigarette while commuting in their company Vauxhall Cavalier. They sported the untamed sideburns of The Sweeney with the intricate combovers of a public school French teacher. Office relationships provided the mainstream gossip; the Chief Engineer who just married some dreary nun from Accounts, the thrusting young junior secretly romancing someone curvy in Architecture while ostensibly dating someone leggy in Admin. Not forgetting the incorrigible CAD draughtsman who was 40, looked 30 and wooed the typing pool like he was 20.

Typical drawing office circa 1990

The people were actually more colourful than the photo suggests.

It was a time when engineers were all men working at drawing boards while the women were all secretaries working at keyboards. Most drawings were still prepared with pen and ink, explaining why half an engineer's day was spent cursing under his breath while patiently scratching off the ink with a razor blade to reposition one detail to squeeze in another. Most consultants still had their own libraries staffed by young, chatty librarians with whom you could practice your lamentable social skills over lunch. Offices were filled with files, folders and drawing scrolls making every day a competition for shelf space. The in-house canteen subsidised High Mortality Lunches, corporate-branded ashtrays adorned the desks and, although they were now hung discretely, the walls still exhibited glossy swimwear calendars from Pirelli and Ready Mixed Concrete. 

That's not to say this was a place without human kindness. Twice a year you were invited to donate blood after which, if you passed out unconscious on your drawing board, someone would thoughtfully prop you up with a few volumes of the Steel Designers Manual to prevent you sliding off the end of the board and pitching head-first off your stool towards the floor.

Modern design office - no calendars necessary

The picture is happily very different today; the design office is no longer a place you can be cuffed, bawled at or thrown out of. The sideburns, combovers and company cars have given way to close shaves, a #2 trim and a good, sturdy road bike. Staff now shower on arrival before selecting a desk next to buddies where they percolate freshly ground coffee while gently exuding wafts of peppermint body wash. 

Drawing boards and paper have been replaced entirely by clusters of monitors while meeting rooms have largely given way to personal video conferencing tech. Business travel is reducing since the development of millimetre-precise 3D digital models of project sites. These are reconstructed from millions of data points collected by drone and automated surveys. They allow engineers to peer together into the same virtual model from displays in their own offices. Alternatively they can suit up with virtual reality goggles, step into their Immersion Rooms and enter the model virtually together. Perhaps now more than ever, engineering is a place where new technologies are continuously assessed for their potential to improve the quality of the project.

Igloo cave

Of course, it is not unusual that when a whole industry moves forward, someone inevitably gets left behind. It is however particularly frustrating when the stragglers turn out to be the most powerful parts of the whole process; namely the regulators. 

Modern projects are subject to extensive regulation, eg; environmental, planning, building and fire regulation to name just a few. Projects require close review by multiple, often disjointed, always overloaded government departments through which a project has to wind and grind its way laboriously towards approval. After the project gains overall consent, then the months stretch into years as the fine details of the project are examined more closely; the soil investigation, the foundation design, the structures, the fire sprinklers, etc, etc. The claws come out when one regulatory department refuses to accept a design feature until another dept accepts it first. Then the fur really starts to fly if one department declines to accept something which was already accepted by another.  The pitfalls are endless and project managers all wear the scars of the lessons learned.

This June finally saw Hong Kong's Building Dept (BD) "… spearhead the development…" of a platform for electronic submission of building applications; albeit for a rather narrow range of above-ground-only building works.

Online submission platform

Alas, documentation for every other type of project still has to be submitted as multiple copies of huge packages of paper drawings, calculations and reports. A visit to the inner sanctum of a Building Officer often reveals tables, desks and filing cabinets piled high with towers of these submissions. Even more lay stacked on the floor under every desk, behind and beside every chair. One unfortunate sneeze would be sufficient to bury a Building Officer clutching his 14" square monitor under a landslide of paper sufficient to crush the life out of him. 

When Building Consent is finally given, it is invariably conditional upon drawings, calculation and rpeorts being amended by hand inside the Building Dept office. Amending a submission of ~100 documents can require engineers to toil for up to a week, standing hunched over documents for 14 hours per day, Tippexing-out details, to ink in revisions. In terms of 'Now and Then' some regulators are still living in 'Then', ie; the 13th Century, when work like this was only ever seen in monasteries.

Over the years the reach of many regulators has grown beyond their original remits, so it becomes incumbent on them to develop or hire the necessary expertise to review the new types of designs coming under their control.  Composites such as Glass Fibre Reinforced Plastic have been used structurally for decades on ships and aircraft.  It is somehow sublime for a building regulator in 2020 to advise that he does not know how to validate the structural integrity of GRP in a building and even more ridiculous to suggest that the GRP structure must therefore be supported by a steel frame which be does know how to validate. Similarly if a 6m high concrete ring beam is designed to support a huge machine, it is somewhat cheeky to insist that the ring beam must be redesigned as four separate concrete walls because this is the limit of the regulator's experience.

This is a precariously delicate age; the legacies of the 20th Century have created unprecedented competition for space and resources, not to mention an as-yet ununcertain impact on the environment. In an ideal world every project would strive to use the most efficient design, the safest methods and materials which are sourced as locally as possible in order to minimise their footprint. Regulatory bodies would not only ensure that projects meet minimum code requirements, they would be open to the latest innovations, embrace them and arguably even drive those which have a positive impact.  After all, motorists would not buy new cars designed to the minimum standards of a decade ago, so why should we accept new buildings whose design has not improved on a 20 year old code ?  

Regulators potentially have a huge role to play in setting new, higher and better expectations from all developers, rather than merely ensuring that new projects meet the same standards as everything which went before. This is a tone which needs to be set from the top and aimed at developers from the outset. While the minions in a regulatory body may well have the knowledge and appetite to embrace new ideas, this means nothing if they are not encouraged to raise such ideas through their seniors. Hence a culture of rewarding initiatives at the grass roots level is another tone which has to be set from the top.

Back in the real world many regulators are either still trying to play catch-up or simply not trying at all. For the time being Project Managers need to remain philosophical that the regulators have a job to do, even though they do it with no accountability for the cost or time impacts that their deliberations have on a project. Meanwhile engineers need to remain philosophical as they learn never again to design something differently to how it has always been designed before. The Building Officer can be philosophical that when a new design finally resembles previous approved designs, it may not be an improvement on anything which went before, but at least his senior will not cuff him over the back of the head for presenting something new. 

Ultimately, the regulation process makes philosophers of us all.

The Rumours About Austin

Dan (an interviewer): Sir, since events started to deteriorate in the Ukraine, your supporters have been highly critical of the current administration. They complain quite vocally that you would have handled things differently. Given your administration's special relationship with Mr Putin and how close your families have become - Ivanka's friendship with Mr Putin's rumoured muse Wendi Deng springs to mind - perhaps you can share some thoughts on how you would diffuse this crisis ?

Town & Country Magazine

US Open Box, Sep 2016:

Ivanka illustrating a manual technique to Wendi which appears to guarantee hilarious results

Trump (an interviewee): Well Dan you see the current Shitehouse administration is bad, perhaps the worst. Definitely the worst I have seen and believe me I have seen them all. Nobody has seen more administrations than me. All bad, low average at best. Except mine of course, mine was excellent; the best administration that anyone can remember, better than everyone can remember, people still congratulate me on how good my administration was. They miss it you know but mostly they miss me. As my reflerection reminds me every morning in the mirror; never was so much owed by so many to so few, or in my case, to just one.  I'm missed by so many, many people who just can't wait to see me reerected. And with this administration being so bad, so very, very bad, they won't have to wait long. Not long at all.

1974: Rarely a dull moment at the Whitehouse

1998: Though some crimes are evidently smaller than others

D: Indeed Sir, but specifically regarding the crisis in Ukraine, perhaps you can share with your supporters what they can expect when you return to office.


T (grinning): Well Dan, I'd like to tell you, really I would but I'm afraid right now the solution is all very hush-hush.


D: Hush-hush?


T: Yes Dan, I'm afraid that means 'secret'. In fact more secret than just 'secret', much much more secret; Top Secret actually. In fact it's VVTS. That means Very Very Top Secret. I made that up myself. I'm brilliant like that. I can make up anything, anytime, faster and better than anyone else can make things up. They tell me that making things up is my forty. I tell them it should be my forty five because, you know, I am Number 45. Yup, 45, that's me. Such a great number, such a great guy. But anyway, they don't listen, they keep telling me it's my forty. What do they know ? No matter, I know, that's why I'm in charge, I just ignore them. Simple.


D: Very well, Sir. So you can only reveal that the solution is Very Very Top Secret ?




T: Yup. I can't tell you anything; my lips are sealed. But I can just give you one small clue, the smallest. You'll never guess if I just tell you the name; 'Austin'.


D: Austin ?


T: Yes, Austin. But don't tell anyone. It's very hush-hush. Nobody knows about him. Remember, I told you VTTS Very Top Top Secret as I said. Completely hush-hush


Dan: 'Him' Sir ? Forgive me but when you said 'Austin' I assumed you were referring to Austin Texas but should I understand that Austin is a man ?


T: I cannot confirm that Dan, much as I'd like to, it's so very hush-hush. The most top-top of secret secrets. I can't tell you if he is a man or not.  Or if he was a man, but not any longer.  Or indeed if he wasn't a man but he now is.  He may be all or neither or both.  It's all highly classified.  

D: Not to mention confusing ...

T: But I can probably tell you the cost.


D: The cost ?


T: Just the cost, nothing more, to show you how much money we are pouring into the sucess of this very very top top secret secret solution. Get this Dan; the cost was six million dollars, for just one man. In fact not even for a complete man - just the important bits and pieces.


D (nervously) : Six million dollars ?


T: I know, I could hardly believe it myself. But believe me Dan when I say 'We have the technology'. But it is so very hush-hush. Can't tell you more. It would not be right. National Security, the future of our great nation, my re-erection campaign and many other great things hang in the balance. My lips are sealed.

D (squirming uncomfortably): Sir, since you can't confirm or deny anything ....


T: Oh I can deny anything because I'm President. There's nothing I can't deny. Go ahead, ask me anything, anything you like; I'll say I know nothing about it and everyone will believe me. I'm completely untouchable. You can't pin anything on me. 

My advisors tell me I have something called 'Applausible Deniability'. No other president ever had it, only me, I'm the first, just me. It means I get a pat on the back and a great round of applause every time I get away with something that everyone thinks I can't pull off. For example, that kerfufflumelee at The Capitol on 6 January; they tried and tried but they couldn't pin it on me Dan. We had high fives all round at Mar-A-Largo; this Applausible Deniability is so neat, the neatest in fact. The very neatest.


D: Er, 'kerfufflumelee' Sir ?


T: Well of course that's how the French pronounce it Dan, but you know what I mean; covfluffle-mu


D: 'Covfluffle-mu' ?


T: You mis-heard me Dan, I said 'Covflebble'


D: Did you mean Covfefe Sir ?


T: Now Dan, you're starting to annoy me and that's not a good thing. Let's keep it professional.  As Sean Spicer told everyone more than a year ago; the president and a small group of people know exactly what I mean.


D: Yes Sir, of course Sir. 

So since you can't confirm any details of the .... how shall I put it .... 'The six-million dollar man called Austin', perhaps you can explain how he will be used to solve the crisis in the Ukraine ? The challenge seems well beyond the abilities of just one man. Is there something more to this solution ?


T: But that's the beauty of it Dan; we only need one man. Austin was a complete loser, he crashed his plane for Christ's sake. Expensive plane too. Do you know how many of my hard-earned tax dollars went up in smoke with that plane ? I don't like losers who crash their planes - or get caught by the enemy - like John McCain; he was another real loser. 

Austin was barely alive, but because I made America great again; we had the capability to build the world's first bionic man. He's better than he was before; better, stronger, faster. There's nothing he can't do. Just like me. He's strong, so very strong, but probably I'm still stronger, definitely, I mean I'm the strongest. But he's very strong and very fast. But I'm faster, I'm the fastest. Always have been. There's nobody faster than me. But I can't tell you any more. Very hush-hush.


D (rolling eyeballs): Well, Sir thank you for sharing what little you could


T: No ! I couldn't, I didn't, I won't, ever, never-ever


D: You ... won't ... ever ... ?


T: No. Definitely not.  But the best bit is his eye


D: His eye ?


T: Yup; made by my good friend, a true American patriot; Mr Tim Apple


D: Erm ... Perhaps, Sir, you're thinking of Mr Tim Cook ?


T: No I mean 'Apple'; Mr Tim Apple, his company is called 'Apple'.
Everybody knows that Dan, try to keep up; Tim made Austin's new eye.  But I named it; I called it the 'i-eye'. Tim loved it. He said he would use that.


D: The 'i-eye' ?


T: Yup. It's also bionic; The 'i-eye'.  Loved that one he did. I told you I was good at making things up. I'm the best.  Tim agrees with all my ideas, likes everything I say. Not like those commie liberal elites.


D: 'Commie liberal elites', Sir ?


T: Sure, those elite commies who are too busy with 'important stuff' to return my calls. Mark Suckerberg is one, then there's Jeff Bozos of course and not to mention that slimy toad Felon Musk. They all think they're better than me and richer of course, but they're losers. All losers. The greatest losers the world has ever seen. They've never been president and never will be. I'm better and richer than all of 'em.


D: Well Sir, recent stock evaluations suggest Mr Musk to be the world's wealthiest man by quite a clear margin


T: Fake news Dan, fake news. I'm way richer than him, richer than all of 'em put together even; ten times richer in fact. Maybe even a hundred times richer. Who knows. It's impossible to know for sure. You know ?


D: Erm, no ?


T: Don't worry Dan, 'cos I know.


D (exasperated) : So Sir, is the deployment of Mr Austin to the Ukraine a signal to the world that the US is finally willing to show active support in the conflict ?


T: No Dan, US action must remain an even more secret secret than the Austin secret, which I certainly never mentioned, ever, at all. Nobody can know that the US is involved, which is why Austin will wear a disguise; another one of my brilliant ideas Dan. I said I was good at this, didn't I Dan ?


D: Well Sir, I'm sure it goes without saying. A disguise you say ?


T: Yup; just like James Bond in that lousy movie 'You Only Get Laid Twice' - I mean, only twice, huh ?  Twice is for losers.  Anyway, first we give Austin a makeover; little slitty eyes and chinky hair, then we drop him in to the Ukraine, he does the business, we pull him out, then claim it was the Chinese who did it all along. The Man From Uncle Sam was never there. Never there at all. Applausible Deniability Dan - that's my trademark.

1967: Sean Connery's 007 resurrected in You Only Live Twice 

D: But Sir, what we might call 'oriental' eyes and hair cut are common all over Asia; can we be sure this will undoubtedly look like a Chinese operation ?


T: You maybe right Dan. My advisors may have to work overtime on this. Our man Austin will have to carelessly leave behind something which is clearly Chinese. I know, I have it; a samurai sword.


D: That would be Japanese Sir


T: Are you sure ? OK then; some bottles of soju


D: Korean Sir


T: A kimono !


D: Japanese again Sir


T: Vietkong dog tags ?


D: Vietnamese I'm sure


T: Sun Tzu; The Art of War - nowhere near as popular as my book 'The Art of The Deal' by the way !


D: Very well read by strategists worldwide Sir


T: Really Dan ? OK, how about a well-thumbed copy of Chairman Mao's Little Black Book ?


D: Very good Sir, but that would be his Little Red Book I think Sir


T: That's it Dan you're fired, you're so fired, so very, very fired, just get out of here right now.  Security, get him out of here, take him so far away that he never comes back.  I never want to hear your name or see your face again Dan !


D: gulps


T (raging) : Little Red Book Dan ? Honestly Dan ! Everybody has little black books; Epstein, Maxwell, me, everybody, EVERYBODY  !  You really think Mao would be any different and have a little red book instead ?  It's not like he's some god-damned communist for Christ's sake !


D: taken away screaming into distance


T: It's simple, so simple; Austin destroys all the Ukrainian wind machines and saves all the birds.  So simple.  I'm a genius. Pure genius.

Someone Else's job

While flat-earthers presumably calibrate differently, most of us subscribe to the notion that the earth turns full circle once every 24 hours but the opinions of govts and people take a little longer to come around.  It was as far back as March 2010 that Jim Inhofe, a deservedly obscure Oklahoma senator, lambasted Al Gore, declaring that climate change was "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people". 

Talking balls: Inhofe in 2015

Proving that 'weather' and 'climate' can be confused at the highest levels 

of government, even by the Chair of the Senate Environment Committee

Snowball stunt

Inhofe's divisive appointment to chair the Senate Environment Committee in 2014 and the US 's 2017 announcement to withdraw from the Paris Agreement on climate change underscored unwavering, if flawed, convictions.  So in 2021 it was with much overdue relief that we heard Special Envoy John Kerry finally pronounce COP26 as "the last best hope for the world to get its act together".  For the time being at least, after 11 years, US govt opinion would seem to have slowly turned about face.

Not talking balls: Kerry in 2021

Taking a line from Babylon 5, declaring COP26 as

"The last best hope for the world to get its act together"

Of course, conceding that we have a problem is just the beginning.  We can now expect an uptick of unfruitful political venting about who contributed most to the mess in which we find ourselves.  This will overflow into who should be doing most to fix it together with many contrived explanations as to why some of us should be excused from doing anything at all.  Fixing a mess is always Someone Else's job.  

"It's Polar Bear Week - who's gonna fix this ?"

While the blamestorming entrenches opinions all over again, armies of technical boffins will hopefully research greener technologies with which to quickly grasp their market share of consumers' greener demands - always assuming that consumers' demands actually become greener, which is not necessarily a given.  While unprecedented floods, droughts and wildfires have raised eyebrows around the world, it is unclear that these are actually changing public consensus or consumer behaviour.  For many people, saving the planet is the task of govts, conglomerates, philanthropist billionaires, teenage activists, hippies who glue themselves to highways, etc, etc, but in any case definitely Someone Else.  A public which already segregates their trash for recycling has arguably done their fair share for the planet; asking more than this would be taking liberties with their personal freedoms.

Orchestral Manoeuvers In The Park: 

a wind section plays to wind turbines to highlight green energy

Hong Kong is infamous for its uncomfortably sub-tropical temperatures and humidity; 2020 featured a record 50 nights in which the temperature did not fall below 28'C.  Average humidity exceeds 80% for 6 months of the year.  The increasingly long, stifling summers made air-conditioning an addiction at the end of the 20th century much like opium was at the end of the 19th.  Today aircon reportedly accounts for 30% of the electricity used by Hong Kong each year, rising to 60% of the power used in the summer months.  

Cavernous malls often maintain the air at 15'C for shopper's comfort

Time Out's Chilly Malls

But while developing countries still consider aircon an expensive luxury to be used frugally, super-prosperous Hong Kongers have long since taken aircon for granted.  It becomes mind-numbing to watch one, after another, after another, HK customer enter or exit a mall, store or restaurant, leaving the door wide open for all the aircon to flood out into the street.  If it happens to be a 7-Eleven store (a reference to their aisle temperatures as much as their opening hours), then the staff already have frost-bite in their extremities, so they're happy enough to leave the doors open until they regain some sense of touch in their fingers.  

Walking past spice shops, bookmakers, electronics emporia or ultra-high-end fashion stores, one feels wave after wave of super-chilled air flooding from open shopfronts across pavements for 5m or 6m before melting into the thermals rising from the roads' scorching asphalt.  

No thought is given to the power needlessly generated to sustain this waste or the environmental cost of this casual indifference.  Is it really naïve to expect a person to simply close a door behind them ?  In HK, evidently yes; everyone is entitled to air-conditioned comfort, but ensuring it is used responsibly is clearly Someone Else's job.  Shop staff for example; aren't they supposed to close doors ? And how can pop-in shoppers be expected to prioritise the environment when their prized Pomeranian is impatiently tearing up the roebuck leather upholstery in their double-parked Maserati SUV ?  

How much of this is bewildering ignorance and how much is breath-taking arrogance is hard to know, although neither is encouraging.  Strangely, while reducing the power used by air conditioning may actually be the 'low-hanging fruit' of the many environmental challenges ahead, on almost every discussion platform the strategies to manage power demand are largely drowned out by the hullabaloo about the best ways to generate yet more power.  

Reuters : South Korean reactor shutdown May 2013

It was in South Korea back in 2013 that questions surfaced over the veracity of quality documents for cables used in several  nuclear power plants.  The plants were immediately shut down reducing power supply to within a whisker of mid-summer's peak demand.  The position was so precarious that the govt issued moratoria instructing workplaces and public buildings to reset their thermostats from 16'C to 26'C, to ration lighting where sufficient daylight was available, to switch off escalators when not busy, etc.  

For the first time since anyone could remember, office girls no longer needed to keep warm by wrapping their legs in blankets under their desks.  Guys no longer had to wear fleeces and neck-scarves while warming their mittened-fingers over their keyboards.  Hot coffee did not have to be drunk within 2 minutes before the surface iced over.  South Korea responded to this challenge as they do to most things; with solidarity, discipline and a fighting spirit.  They swapped woollen suits for office-casual linens, drank a lot more water and supplemented smoking breaks with ice cream breaks.  It was a powerful demonstration of what the public can achieve with a fresh mind-set and some minor adjustments to their daily routine.  A national energy emergency was averted without spending money, without new technology and without real sacrifice.  If the people of one country can act so quickly to mitigate a power crisis, then surely people anywhere, or indeed everywhere can adopt similar measures to mitigate climate impact? 

To some extent, it was HK's early prosperity during the manufacturing boom of the 1970s which fueled the current addiction to aircon.  People moved en masse into tightly-packed, 40 storey concrete apartment blocks which absorbed huge amounts of solar energy during the daytime then slow-cooked the residents as they basted in the beds of their notoriously undersized bedrooms at night.

Guardian: cage homes in photos

High rise, low tech:

HK's older apt blocks with a myriad of plumbing and aircon strapped across the facade.

Adjacent tidy new blocks with the same old tired technology clinging to each wall. 

A3 sized holes in the external walls provided space to insert compact aircon units to draw heat from the apt, releasing it outside to accelerate the cooling.  City dwellers would not normally have bought such primitive, loud technology but the relentless construction of new tower blocks all around them made the noise of these 'wall-bangers' pale into insignificance.  Today, a glance upwards shows hundreds upon hundreds of these units still clinging to the external walls of most buildings built before 2000.  The units are inefficient, expensive to run and very poor dehumidifiers.  But because these burdens are borne by the tenants, the landlords have no incentive to update them.  Of course it's an entirely different story for Hong Kongers who are fortunate enough to own their own homes.  Like the later-developing economies of Singapore, Japan and South Korea, HK's homeowners have long since installed modern, energy-efficient inverter units which also dehumidify very well.  They have learned that drying the air provides as much comfort as cooling it - but uses only one third of the electricity.  The added benefits of mildew and mould not festering in wardrobes, bedding and curtains are obvious health improvements which still remain inaccessible to large sections of HK's tenant population.

Changing personal behaviours and upgrading defunct technology may be the best that most individuals can do to save energy.  However, even without global or national strategies, there remains a lot that local government can do; especially by way of regulating development.  

Developers of HK's prestige office towers, hotels and malls are expected to include centralised cooling and heating systems as part of their projects but developers of apartment tower complexes are curiously not obliged to provide anything.  Cooling and heating of apartment blocks is left to the individual unit owners who only have recourse to the market's most energy intensive technology - it is the exact opposite of an economy of scale.  A simple step would be to mandate that developers include a centralised cooling and heating plant for each tower block constructed, with a preference for more efficient water-cooled version over air-cooled. 

Tin Shui Wai in HK's New Territories, 500m from the water separating the mainland's Shenzhen.

New housing projects feature 6 to 12 new blocks; ideal candidates for DCHS

In the sprawling developments of HK's New Territories, developers often build a collection of blocks around a mall, pool or other community venue.  A further step would be to connect all these with one District Cooling/Heating Systems (DCHS).  This simple technology uses pipelines extended into the harbour to cool huge chillers which in turn serve multiple buildings and venues.  

District Cooling & Heating System;

multiple buildings and venues sharing one system chilled by seawater

PWC strategy paper DCHS

On average DCHS saves 35% of the power used by centralised air cooled condensers on top of individual buildings or 20% of the power used by equivalent water-cooled plant.  The energy savings compared with cooling and heating each apartment individually would be significantly higher.  Given the vast amount of waterfront available in HK it is astonishing to reflect that only 4 government and 5 private (modestly sized) DCHS are planned for the city to date.  

Map of Hong Kong Island and New Territories;

red border shows how much urban development is within 1km of waterfront

Compared with the rurally dispersed populations of many countries, HK's 7.5m densely packed, vertically racked, waterfront stacked inhabitants could not be more ideally placed to benefit from the reduced costs and energy needs of a city-wide expansion of DCHS.  

The govt. has certainly shown a willingness to approve the few DCHS which have been tabled to date but this falls far short of actually mandating them for the hundreds of new property developments edging inexorably over the horizon.  Cynics could be forgiven for thinking that DCHS will never be more than just wishful thinking as long as the developers themselves have nothing to gain.  And this may be fair comment until that famous 'Someone Else' is prepared to finally push them to do it.